Rubbish story 7: Omar & Reggae

“Ok, let’s be like…Hackney hard boys, yeah?” Omar says, slowing his pace.

“I knew we shouldn’t have banged out the whole season of Big Boy in one night” says Reggae.

“Come on bruuuuv…“

“Right, right, ok…so how izit bruv, all dem clowns in the States be taking horse worming pills to fight off COVID? Makes about as much sense as bathing in pea soup for erectile dysfunction.“

“‘Cause of socials, blood. ‘cause they don’t get out enough, get too much of their reality online. They need to mix up their company more.”

Reggae’s wearing an unconvinced pout. Omar continues.

“Seriously. Like…like you know how you say no one has made a good tune since Ozzy left Black Sabbath…“

“Truth man, but you weren’t interested in no choons written before ‘79 ‘til I played you Dark Side of the Moon.”

Omar is holding a “hold on” hand up.

“Ain’t disagreeing bruv, in fact that’s exactly what I’m saying. You play me Pink Floyd on a school camp up the Akatarawas, I take you to see Shihad at Bodega. We both gone an’ expanded each other’s realities.”

Reggae lifts an uncertain eyebrow.

“Serious, variety of lived experience, that’s what protects us from ignorance. “

Reggae gives a relenting nod. 

“Like that time You and Lei snorted them horse tranquilisers ‘cause Danni said it unlocks your third-eye chakra?”

“Ok ok, so yoof is the wellspring of both bravado and stupidity, yeah?”

“You hear Danni reckons Lei be coming back bruv? Said his grandma died last…”

Reggae slows suddenly, lifts something up from the gutter.

“Ok, so that’s weird right? Why the fuck is this here?”

He holds up a dirty black plastic zip tie. 

Omar leans closer.

“Yeah, maybe leave it there man…”

Reggae suddenly flings the tie up into the bush.

“Oh shit, that could have been evidence!” says Omar.

“Evidence we’ve been watching too much crime drama over lockdown bro. The tie was probably just holding up some Aunty’s tomato plant or something.”

“Do you see any tomato plants on this roadside? Only house ‘round here is old man Monvoison’s.”

Reggae picks up the pace, shaking his head.

Omar glances up to the house on the hill, then follows Reggae towards the skyline.

“I’d looove to catch up with Lei again, blood.”

Rubbish story 6: Danni

Ok, so why have I paused by this roadside timber crucifix? Latent Christian heebie jeebies? 

I guess a little anxiety’s ok. Melody reckons Ms Monvoisin drove Willie Naverson to a nervous breakdown, but Melody then also believes that she once saw Patrick Swayze’s ghost in the Pak ‘n’ Save butchery. And that she looks like a Scottish Beyonce. 

I rip into a snow white Snickers bar, gnawing at the chocolate shell. The sugar hit gets me moving again. That’s it Danni, time to be brave, time to validate my suspicions. If I’m right, I’m about to spend an hour with an old school influencer. Besides, the alternative’s a drudge-walk back to Josh, a supermarket lasagne, and the 1pm COVID count on TV.

Yip, must be dozens of women that have headed up to your house on the hill. You see each and every one of ‘em coming, don’t ya? Three tarot readings in and you’ve got old lady Flammel quitting her legal career and packing up for Queenstown. Just one session and Jennifer Laycock’s kicking Joffrey out and turning his garden room into an AirBnB. 

Me though, I’m not coming for divination, nor implied permission. Nup, I’m coming for tuition. 

I’m not completely artless. I know if I drop my voice by an octave Josh’ll fetch me a glass of wine, even three minutes out from the full-time whistle. I’ve got a talent for reading people, learnt that from navigating Mum’s…let’s say mercurial…moods. I know if little Grace lifts her left hand a little before she speaks, no matter what she says, she’s hoping for validation. And I can see Josh’s lies six months before he mouths them.

You though, you’re on a whole new level. These modern-day influencers, they’re all pretenders, right Monvoison? All on the paycheck of this man or that. Not you, nuh-uh, you kicked your man out two years back. And somehow you kept the house and custody of sweet young Delilah. 

So sure, I might be slowing a little as I approach your driveway as the light fades and I get to shivering. I’m not stopping though, this girl’s ready to level up.

I look up as a light appears on the porch. She’s a silhouette and I’m grit and determination. And maaaaybe just a wee twist of fear.

Rubbish story 5: William

An avocado bounces past at speed. I shrug and stop. 

I close my eyes, slip the fresh pack from my pocket. The cellophane resists my picking, fingers which used to be so artful are now cumbersome. 

I never smoked as a kid. “Never” was my byword though. Never gonna have a Jap car. Never gonna let no cunt call me William. Never gonna sit next to a stranger in the cinema after buying a ticket last minute so no cunt would see me going to see a film about gays in a laundry. 

Then that mad, bent Beijing beanstalk detonated it all. Caught me at a vulnerable moment: my teenage years. I’m down the pines, alone. Fade to Black on my ghetto blaster, bevvies in my school bag. Suddenly he’s there, all fucking grins and air guitar. Bewilderment can be a useful state of mind, like mental white noise.Temporarily cancelling out logic and preconceptions. I offered him a beer.

I open my eyes, hold the packet up, unintelligible gold characters over oxblood. Fingers rediscover their old rhythm, I loosen the foil and slip loose a prisoner.

Turned out Lei was more bogan than me, in a weird, canted way. Modding mopeds, throat singing, bombing bus shelters in artful script with his Dad’s paint brushes. I spent so much time with him that Summer I ended up standing up to Dad over Tiananmen Square. That reckoning that had been brewing a long while. 

He gave me a key to his parents' shop so I could kip out the back when Dad blew a gasket.

He taught me just enough Mandarin to impress his Mum, not nearly enough to impress his Dad. He taught me to make peace with who I was. I taught him how to shotgun beers and make a pie sandwich. On reflection I guess I got the better deal out of the skills and talents exchange.

Lei left five years ago, off to live with his Grandma. Old bird was being pushed about by the government. Now he sends me these dodgy Chinese cigarettes every August. I have one each time, then dump the rest with the nearest hard-up street sleeper.

He’s still with me though, in the most important ways. I breathe him in on the days I’m courageous. Out on the days I’m not.

I strike a match, inhale briefly to ignite, then once again to ingest. Then set off after that avocado.

Rubbish story 4: Dan & Noah

Dan boosts Noah onto his shoulders as they cross the empty highway.

“Daaad...”

“Yeah mate.”

“Do you think Uncle Kurt might know Darryl Dixon?”

“Who bud?”

“You know, off the Walking Dead.”

“Mmmm...Why do you think they’d know each other?” Dan says.

“Well Uncle Kurt had a Harley and Darryl does. And Darryl has angel wings, and Mum says Uncle Kurt has them too.”

Dan sees the white cross up ahead and lowers Noah to the ground. 

“I reckon Kurt’d be keen on that Noah, Darryl maybe less so.”

Dan kicks a beer can to the edge of the footpath. 

“Ok Noah, have you got your card?”

Noah draws out and unfolds his hand crafted tribute, nodding.

They approach the crude memorial, and Dan frowns at the mess of bottles ringing it, like a white trash stonehenge. Noah’s quiet, folding and unfolding the crayon decorated cardboard. Dan takes his hand.

“Daaaaad…”

“Yeah Noah?”

“Mum says uncle died because he made a bad decision. And he did that because he was young.”

Dan draws a deep breath in and releases it slowly, feeling his eyes start to tingle.

“Yip, aah, yeah. Yeah mate, I guess that’s true”

Noah gives his own tiny sigh and looks up to Dan with an intense wee frown. Which just as quickly melts into a cheeky grin.

“He did do the best mouth farts though!“

Dan help giggling. 

“Ohhhh ho yip, he was the face fart champ alright.”

He lets go of Noah’s hand and begins clearing the bottles and cans from the base of the home made shrine.

He draws a carry bag from his pocket and starts picking up the cans and bottles, muttering to himself. 

“Double Brown. Corona. Wow, Flame...”’

Noah turns and looks up to him. 

“That’s what Uncle Kurt called you. Flame.”

“What do you mean? When was that?”

“On your birthday party. I made stinky stuffed eggs with him.”

“So wait...what...what did he say?”

“Yeah. Like, when it’s dark, and he can’t see anymore, and he gets lost. Then you’re a flame and he isn’t so lost. He said when the baby sister is made, I can be a flame.”

Dan nods and turns away, the chill of tears on his cheeks.

“Yeah wee mate. Yeah. I think you’ll be a really...a really bright flame. “

Rubbish stories 3: Willow & Harper

“Fucksnatch” Harper blurts as the bag splits.

“Harp! Oh Harrrrpeeeeeer, chase it!” yells Willow, giggling.

The avocado tumbles down the gutter faster than Harper’s motivation to chase it.

“Fuck it,” Harper says, kneeling to repack the one intact bag-for-life.

“Come on, you’re not going after it?”

“It’s one avocado Willow, I ain’t climbing this hill again for one unripened vegetable.”

“Maybe that’s why we’re being told we’re wasting all our money on smashed avocado.”

“Ha fucking ha, cram some of this in your backpack will you?"

Willow grins and squeezes the tub of salted cashew ice cream into her pack. 

“Seriously though, four weeks into lockdown I’m going stir crazy. Then I read that the government is supporting training, and I’m like, why the fuck can’t I design electric Harleys?“

Harper gives a shrug and pulls her vape out, inhales, puffs out a thick scented cloud of vanilla custard.

“What you need is one of them tech guys, all money, no self confidence. Build em up, bleed em dry, boot em out”

“Mmmm, and how did that work out with Caleb?”

Harper shrugs again.

“‘Apparently there’s more to making a billion in crypto than that boy’s prepared to learn.”
Willow takes a long breath and lets it out slowly, shaking her head. Harper carries on.

“We have to face it girl, we’ll never own houses. We won’t have friends named Tarquin or Genevieve or fucking Riccardo. I got a reading from that Ruth woman, you know, Delilah’s Mum. She says we’re a product of destiny. Fighting it’s a waste of spiritual currency.”

Willow looks over her nails, the worn blue paint, and lifts a lazy yet highly defined eyebrow.

“Do you think maybe it’s the people we surround ourselves with, which maybe hold us back, Harp?”

“Na, you’re trippin’, we’re surrounded by the same damn people. Next thing you’ll be choosing fucking Mima’s fucking yoga retreat over my 50th”

Willow turns back to face Harper’s incredulous expression.

“I just need to...evolve Harp.”

Harper lifts her brows in contemplation.

“I mean sure, I’m all-the-fuck about evolution, just so long as I don’t gotta change.”

Rubbish story 2: Delilah’s Mum

I poke the remote at the telly, hitting the power button forcefully ‘til that thick Trumpette Judith Collins disappears. Used to be that politics required a degree of cunning, ‘til the Russians figured out they could pay dissidents in Adidas sportswear to rewrite the results.

Matt used to call me that, before I helped him understand he was better off without me. Or the house. Cunning. The way I see it, there’s an elegant emotional mathematics to it, clever multiplied by duplicitous.

I always let my ego trip me up though. Too happy to crow about how I got one over someone, instead of keeping quiet enough to realise the benefits of my manipulations.

I wised up though, now I’m all about influence. That’s a cleaner kind of power. No forensics. No DNA. It started with the tarot readings. Fascinating how far some fools will go to have you tell them what to do. Then pay you for the privilege. All they need is a little push, and pretty soon I’m choreographing the whole damn neighbourhood.

Whoops, there’s the front gate. Delilah’s home. She’s a good girl, if easily manipulated. Of course I’m pushing her in good ways. Taught her to draw in colours. Blue for those you love the best, red for those you want to be your friend. Green for those you can’t trust. The bad-feeling ones. Each fridge picture is now a coded journal. 

“Draw Mum a picture of school pickups love, all those other Mums. What colour is Mrs Petrie?” 
Mrs Petrie forest green, filthy forest green.

Uh oh. Young Miss is wearing a frown. Dumping her bag to the ground. 

“No picture today angel?”

“I showed Mrs Clugh my homework. She laughed at it, said she didn’t know why I used all my colours. I chucked it out. I don’t want to draw all the thoughts, it’s dumb.“

“Oh love, I’ve told you, Mrs Clugh is sad because her husband is on the verge of leaving her. Don’t you pay her no mind.“

“Are you mad at her Mama?”

“Not mad baby, I just feel sorry for her. You go put your bag in your room. I’m going to have a wee chat to Peggy Clugh, maybe I’ll give her a free reading. Help a sister out, right De-de?”

“Sure Mama.”

Rubbish story 1: Darryl

Darryl peers at his murky reflection in the aluminium rim of can number two.
 
“One beer, per idea.” 

This’d always been their thing, him and Kurt. A six pack each, no one gets to start the next beer ‘til he thinks up a new idea.

The third beer, that’s where they usually struck gold. That’s where the giddiness took hold, where their imaginations crept out from under inhibition. 

That’s where Kurt had found their best (and only) pub con, AKA “bent elbow telepathy”. It was the birthplace of meat flavoured ice cream. 

It was at the tail end that things tended to fall apart. The recent Cling Film COVID Mask test had turned frightening as a panicky Kurt had bent double and coloured up, unable to make noise enough to distract Darryl from a five-can piss.

Darryl thinks of Kurt’s very last last ever idea. Popular opinion (popular between Kurt & Darryl at least) was that a duck’s quack was the only noise that didn’t echo. So Kurt came up with the idea of a secret code built entirely of duck quacks, something an invading army could use for covert communications. 

Darryl might have pointed out that he couldn’t think of a single canyon-based Special Forces operation which might benefit from this dark art, but the name of the game wasn’t nit-picking, No, the name of the game was sinking piss. And so instead Darryl made mad-sounding duck quacks as Kurt had cracked the last can of beer he’d ever taste. 

Darryl’s last, high-impact idea was to play rock-paper-scissors to see which of them drove home. Darryl had won.

He remembers Kurt standing on a dirt bank swaying gently in the moonlight, keys dangling from his fingertips. He remembers Kurt steering with one hand, pointing with the other, and the rumbling as the car crossed the median strip. Then he remembers nothing.

Darryl stands alone, next to the old state highway. He peels the lid from the can of Flame, and closing his eyes against the sun pours the contents to the asphalt.

One last idea for Kurt. He drops the Flame can to the ground, stomps it flat. He limps toward home, knowing this last idea might just be their best ever.

Rubbish stories: an introduction

In Wellington we moved to a COVID lockdown recently.

I began my daily lockdown walks, the same neighbourhoods I’d explored the first time we stepped into the Apocalypse. My girlfriend did the same but with a rubbish bag, so she could clean the streets as well as stretch her legs. Once again I level up thanks to her. And it’s great, virtue’s a useful feature of days well lived.

Then I discovered a fringe benefit.

On my first roadside rubbish walk I found a tiny mobile phone inside a condom. I know, was the benefit the free burner phone, or the joy of tracing the owner through trace DNA found in the tuck and folds of the sheath? Fortunately neither.

So many things I gathered set my imagination off. Was it human or dog who a tennis ball half buried? Who’s still drinking Double Brown? And sure, why was a phone stuck inside a condom, and left in the grass in front of the bowling alley?

Hence this Lockdown Mini-Series.

It started as postings on Instagram/Facebook, which limited things to 1200 characters, about 400 words. Then Facebook blocked Story Five, a tale which was trying to break down racism and homophobia. Presumably because the review-bot thought that my intent had been the opposite.

So now, it’s tiny stories on my old blog site, and links back from Facebook’s monopoly.

I hope that these stories provide simple, thought-provoking entertainment, in a time when we’re often looking for distraction.

88 days later

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This morning I sat in the Sugar Plum cafe, talking with a playwright. As we discussed ideas on creativity he paused for a moment. He told me he had heard from a friend that there was a writer in town, “a real one, someone who actually writes…” It was me, the writer who actually writes.

Four months ago I might have felt undeserved of the description, awkward, deceptive. But for three months now I’ve been living on a low-income, avoiding distractions, and working hard to not be someone with a dozen unfinished stories in a drawer, or on a laptop.

I wrote every day. I found short fiction, a way by which I could test stories, characters, ideas. I started sixty one stories, so far I’ve completed five. 

I wrote about poor choices and brutal pasts, and how difficult and yet essential it is to move beyond them. I wrote stories about being human, and one about being an Oak tree, and another about being a magic spell. I wrapped myself in imagination, and tried so, so hard to steer clear of distraction.

And now I have one story in front of a magazine publisher in London, and two more about to go to local organisations, and hopefully find their way to readers. There’s another too, a story of Alzheimer’s and what it means to care enough to help someone hold onto themselves, in spite of their forgetting you. I’ve yet to find a home for that one.

My 88 Days is up now, but I have two more weeks of freedom in which to set the next course. First though, I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to offer feedback, and criticism, and edits. In the end I want an audience for my writing, and all of you have helped me build the courage to offer up my work. Without you I’d be an untuned piano, with you, I feel I’m ready for the concerto.

It is so, so important for me to test myself, to forge my own future. But it is also important that I take the time to focus on others. Writing can be a lonely pursuit, as can living in a small town amongst paddocks and poverty. This summer I’m aiming to spend more time with more people. To surf beside strangers, and then share a beer with them as friends. To commune, to be communal, to dance and sing and celebrate. Physicality, that’s what I need. And sunshine. And maybe fresh oysters.

For now though, for the spring, the results of my toil will sit with editors, making decisions on the fate of my tales. I won’t though sit idle, there’s plenty more tales to be told, plenty more stories to unfurl.

 

 

 

Tools for being human, part ten: Costumes

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My birthday sits just in front of the largest costume event on the calendar. One way I mark the passing of the years is by attempting to one-up my previous years Halloween efforts. What is it about dressing up that excites me? Is it just showing off, or can it really be a useful tool for being human?

I imagine clothing started off as purely practical. Warmth, protection from the elements, a way of enabling us to walk quickly down a gravel driveway, or cross a pit of Lego bricks, or traverse the hot sands between the shade of the beachside pine trees and the cooling temptations of the blue sea.

I reckon that occasionally some new idea would provide an evolutionary advantage. The first person to carve a tread into the bottom of their moccasins, she gained a speed advantage over her tribe-mates. “I don’t need to outrun the sabre tooth cheetah, I just need to outrun Og and his sister Grog.” Sneaker envy was born.

It’s impossible to pinpoint when dressing-up as a pastime began, but I’m guessing somewhere between the development of the fireman’s uniform and the release of the Village People’s first music video. I can though pinpoint the catalyst for my own infatuation with costumes.


Costumes can transform the way I see myself

My first costuming memory is of me cutting up an old sheet in order to produce a Luke Skywalker outfit for a school production. There are many, many blessings to being schooled prior to the development of social media. An absence of record of me dancing to “We built this city on rock and roll” with my legs wrapped in tea-stained bandages is one of them. But without that costume, anxiety would have had me in the audience, rather than on the stage.

As a kid we get to try things on for size. Cowboy hats, a shopkeeper’s apron, your Mum’s high heels, your Dad’s shaving cream. We have a freedom to become.

But as an adult, we often feel a pressure to make decisions, to choose a career, to define ourselves in a number of ways. Am I guy who goes to football matches, or to the theatre? Do I believe in a God? Republican or Democrat? I’m expected to make choices, to vocalise my opinions, and to stick to both. I don’t then mention that I dreamt of being a train driver, or a doctor, or an elf. 

A costume is an opportunity to voice to a part of us that is usually heard only within the walls of our mind. We get to be amorous, vocal, smug, complicated, emotional…we get to pair up with other cat-in-the-hats, dance with John & Ringo, wolf-whistle at Marilyn Monroe. There’s a delicious freedom in the becoming, and costume can enable that. If you asked the average person in my society to play a role for an hour, you’ll invoke “fight or flight”. But if you give them a wig and a mirror…put a wig on them and give them a mirror…


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Costumes can transform the way others see me

I flew to New York City last year with two primary goals:

  1. To experience (and write about) the presidential election.
  2. To take part in the East Village Halloween parade.

A week before the world shifted under the weight of that election result, I dressed up as a Zombie Astronaut and travelled on the subway from Williamsburg to Manhattan. That journey was where my metropolitan crush began. That evening I wasn’t a white-guy tourist on a train, I was a zombie in a space suit. Lights pulsed on my back and blood ran down my neck. 

A young black family boarded the crowded carriage at Broadway.  The young daughter looked to my neck wound, then to her Mom. Mom reassured her. “He’s just playing, honey.” And for the next six stops I got non-stop acting tips from a six-year-old and her nine-year-old brother, and an apologetic shrug from their grinning mother.

I harvested hugs, hit out at high-fives, and allowed myself to be drawn into selfies. Our appearance guides people’s first impressions. When you’re obviously dressed as an impossibility, then prejudices can be nullified. As I walked up the steps up to Canal Street I wondered what the world would be like if we all shifted appearance intermittently. Where then would racism land?

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Costumes are catalysts to play

My sister and her husband run a backpacker hostel in Derry, Northern Ireland, a city which hosts one of Europe’s most enthusiastic Halloween events. I love visiting at the end of October, chasing down costume accessories with enthusiastic Spanish, carving pumpkins in the basement with the Germans. 

I also love applying makeup to anxious first-timers. They shrug their shoulders, accept a glass of snakebite with a trembling hand, and sit quietly as I paint those devil’s eyes. I step away and they move towards a mirror or appreciative applause, and their demon lip curls, and a convert struts out into a city of happy terrors.

I’ve watched Elvis dance-offs, I’ve seen T-Rexes twerking, I’ve paused as NYC police lined up to get photos with the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. I spent a month doing night-shoots on Lord of the Rings, and one of my most vivid memories is of standing amongst a dozen warriors atop a castle wall, playing charades with a group of Orcs below.

Too often we designate playtime as a function of childhood, but there’s a reason that none of us wanted to be home in time for dinner. Because we valued fun over safety, over pretenses, over rules. There’s something about dressing as someone else that can reawaken that state. And I think fun is one of the most important factors in my enjoyment of being human.

Final words

Costumes can break down barriers by momentarily masking our default selves. They can disrupt our visual prejudices. They give us an excuse to play. Sometimes it is only in dressing as someone else, that you get an opportunity to reflect on who it is that you’ve chosen to be.

It’s exactly two months until Halloween. Happy days.

Regan Barsdell and his ideas, writing and mythologies